The Big Parental Scam

The tooth fairy is suspect. She was supposed to come two nights ago, and she still hasn’t shown up. Not only can she not afford to risk her job in this economy, but she’s losing esteem in the eyes of my seven year old.

But then, the Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have all lost some of their former glory over the last couple of years. And before I go any further, there’s something you should know. I am Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny! That’s right! All at once!...which is why my performance has been rather inconsistent. And it explains my seasonal rapid weight gain. Seriously, have you ever tried multi-tasking with floppy ears, an enormous beard, and fairy dust clouding your vision? It sets a girl back.

But there are more complicated set backs than that. The primary problem is exhaustion. Two nights ago when Emma came to me with a jack-o-lantern grin and the fallen tooth in hand, I was already in bed. Snuggly pajamas on, warm covers up to the chest, and my nose in a good book. The first thing I thought when I saw her standing there with that bloody little tooth was, “I going to need coffee. I can NOT fall asleep before her this time.” But of course I did. I got up, brewed the coffee, and planted myself on the couch while I waited for her to fall asleep. But she was too excited, and the couch was too comfortable, so the Tooth Fairy fell asleep during a “Scrubs” rerun with a dollar in her pocket.

I should have seen this coming. My body is so addicted to coffee that it’s merely a formality when I’m trying to stay awake. It doesn’t have a sobering affect on me anymore. (off topic writer question for fun: should I use “affect” or “effect” in that sentence? I know that “affect”t is a verb, but is it used as a verb in that phrase? “a sobering affect” Or is it a noun? “Sobering” seems to be an adjective describing “affect” so perhaps it is “effect.” Did you know that the Tooth Fairy/Santa/Easter Bunny was so into language? She was an English major)

The worst job I have ever done as the Tooth Fairy was when Claire was six and I forgot to leave her money for five days in a row. The first night was easily explained.

“Since you fell asleep in Emma’s room she didn’t know to look for you there.”

The second night was a little more tricky. “Uh…she must be busy.”

The third night was ridiculous. “Gees!” I said, “There must be lots of kids losing their teeth! I bet she’s overworked.”

By the fifth night I’d run out of alibis so I shifted the blame. “You’ve been a bad girl.”

Ok, so I didn’t say that. Instead I shot myself up with enough caffeine to keep a narcoleptic sloth wide awake, and told Claire, “I hear that when the Tooth Fairy forgets a few days in a row she leaves you even more money.”

Claire’s eyes got big. “Really?”
“Yes!”

Claire woke up with a ten dollar bill. Call it guilt money plus interest.

Santa has dropped the ball a couple of times with letters. This year Christopher, my five year old, found his letter to Santa on my dresser. Two days AFTER Christmas.

“You didn’t mail it,” he said, confused by the discovery. “How did Santa…”
“I e-mailed him,” I said.
He looked at me in disbelief.
“Santa has e-mail,” I said.
“No he doesn’t,” he argued.
“Well, he is magic. I bet he knew what you wanted without the letter. He brought you your stuff, so it must be magic.”
This seemed logical to him, and he was appeased, but I still felt horrible.

Luckily Santa, like the Easter Bunny, has never forgotten to leave gifts during the night, but they’ve been nearly caught a couple of times, and have also nearly fallen asleep. One year the Easter Bunny fell asleep, woke up, saw 5:00 AM on the clock, sat bolt upright, and hopped into the kitchen to fill baskets TWENTY minutes before the kids woke up.

What I’m not sure about is how much longer I should continue….well, lying. Christopher will be six next week, and the girls are seven & nine and a half. I thought sure that Claire, my nine year old, would have stopped believing in Santa by now, but this year she was still saying stuff like, “Have I been good? I know sometimes I’ve been bad.”
“Don’t worry,” I said. “You’re a good kid.”
“Because I don’t want Santa to think I’ve been bad. What if he doesn’t leave me anything because I’ve [insert offense against sibling]?”
“Every kid does that, sweetie, and you’ve said you’re sorry. Santa will come.”

What I wanted to say was, “Dude, are you serious? You haven’t figured it out yet?”

I don’t remember how old I was when I knew the truth, and I don’t know if I figured it out or my mom told me. But I know that I couldn’t look my daughter in the eye and say, “There is no Santa.” It would have been like hurling her into a cold world where her heroes are a lie. But then, it would be relieving to have the truth out there. To say, “Look, I’m the Tooth Fairy/Santa/Easter Bunny. So if you want to keep the loot coming then behave and get to bed at a decent hour.”

Because, after all, isn’t that at the heart of the lies? I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the stories began way before the invention of behavioral medication. One day, long ago, some sleep-deprived genius of a mother said, “You lost another tooth? Dude! This is great! You can get money for this!”
And the hyper-active kid said, “Yeah? Tell me more!”
“All you have to do is go to sleep RIGHT NOW, and a fairy will bring you money.”
“Seriously?”
“I’m totally serious. So you should go to bed immediately.”
“But it’s only 3:00 in the afternoon.”
“Do you want the money or not?” asked the mother, and the child was soon asleep.

Later on she got the same idea around Christmas, convincing her son that Santa would bring him gifts IF he behaved and IF he went to sleep as early as possible. But when should my children know that? When are other children going to tease them for believing the behavioral modification folk tales?

I don’t know, I haven’t figured it out yet. In the mean time, Tooth Fairy/Santa/Easter Bunny is going to have to find a stronger alternative to caffeine or hire help. Since snorting cocaine is out of the question, I’m going to have to get some elves. Their chores will involve shopping and making sure I get up on time. Anyone interested in the position should apply to my North Pole address (in New Orleans), and be willing to work for cookies.